An Imagined Scenario

Me: *draws the curtain and enters her room*
She: *fiddling with her phone*
Me:  I have something to say.
She: *eyes divert from her handheld device* Yeah?
Me: *deep breath*
She: *scrunches her eyebrows, her lips remain frowned*
Me: *opens my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out*
She: *continues to stare at me*
Me:  Never mind. I forgot.
She: *offers a raucous laugh upon hearing my words*
Me: *grins*

I did not forget.

I wish I could.

Easily Influenced

I'm not ready for relationships.

How am I supposed to love another when I'm incapable of loving myself?

Let me make this straight.

I am grateful for being alive.
I am grateful for everything I have been blessed with.

No. I do not blame God. I blame myself.

No one else should be blamed.

You like me? Well I hope you like uncertainty and distance, because that's what I'm about.

I cannot say the same towards you, because I've been having doubts.

Not just about you, but myself.

Where do my loyalties lie?
What do I believe?
Do I have any boundaries?
Am I willing to trust you?
Will I be able to stomach the pain that could possibly come after?

No.

I feel too much.

Beware,

Stay away.

You wouldn't understand.

Would you?

Believe me, it's not your fault.
Any sane person would have assumed the same.

I do have feelings for you though. It's hard to explain.

I did not acknowledge it,

Because I did not want to hurt you by giving you hope about something which could not happen

Due to my cowardice.

I am a coward.

You may hate me for it.

I already do.

Basically...

I cannot believe this. Here I am, once again, procrastinating. Am I ever gonna learn from my mistakes? Evidently not.  

What the hell. Since I'm already here, might as well.  

This semester started off pretty chill. And by chill, I mean disastrous. Aside from the fact that I had a mental breakdown during the first two weeks of the semester, I'd tried something completely new. Which turned out to be something which I can now cross off my bucket list. It wasn't the idea itself that made it so memorable, it was more to what I gained after it was over.  

Meeting new people has never been one of my strong suits, let alone being good friends with them. But in this case, I found myself surrounded with new faces, friendly personalities, and weird people, to say the least. Somewhere along the lines, I realized that I could be myself around them, just as I am with my family and close friends. This was a rare find, especially in my university. Which is why I'm striving hard to keep in close contact with them. 

Unfortunately, it's not going so well. In my efforts to have a stronger bond with them, I have been neglecting everything else in life. My studies, my family, my religion. I did not want to forsake them, but that was what I was doing. Even now, I am struggling to complete a video assignment due by today. And it's a group project. My God, I'm the worst. Just the other day I did not contribute to a group assignment. I still feel bad about that, as I should. 

And to top it all off, I have this dilemma (Yeah, big shocker.) 

There's this guy, and I think he likes me. I know, I KNOW. Why would anyone fall for ME? I'm probably about as interesting as the moss that grows in damp places. I really don't get it. But perhaps it could be due to the fact that we have a lot in common. I do like him, but I feel that we have a platonic relationship. I don't know if I feel the same way he does. I don't want to hurt him by telling him we can't work out, at least not now. My feelings are ever-changing towards people. For now, I want to remain friends. It would not be fair to him, or me, if I were to lead him on and I end up hurting us both. I wonder what will happen...

Only one way to find out.  

Why Paranoia is not always a bad thing

"Ugh, why are you so paranoid? There's nothing to get worked up about."

"Don't worry about it, it's just a small matter."

"This paranoia fear of yours is getting the better of you. Don't let it rule your life."

Okay. So 'being paranoid' basically means being constantly worried about a certain thing that may or may not happen. People most of the time tend to freak out over what most assume that there is no real trouble, and that they are just "overreacting" to a certain situation.

But why is overreacting such a bad thing?

If you think about it, the only downside about being paranoid is having this worried feeling inside of you constantly. And okay, this COULD lead to bad health effects, and eventually lead to something serious. But I'm not saying you should let paranoia dictate your life. All I'm saying is, it can't hurt to be paranoid every now and then.

At least you're prepared before a worse case scenario could happen.

So yeah. Let paranoid people be.

In other words, let me be.

Of Flaws and Imperfections

Let's face it; we all want to believe we are special. We want to appear original and different from everybody else in the world. In other words, we all want to have our own special identity. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Is there?

Of course not. But we haven't talked about HOW a person intends to reach that imagined version of himself or herself. Creating an identity for oneself often leads a person in creating a version of themselves with high standards. To achieve this, they become extremely self-conscious with their current self and eventually...begin to hate themselves. Why? Their current selves are not up to par with the identity they wish to be. It's not because people don't try, it's because they try too hard in the wrong way. I'll explain this later. But the case is that the standards are set way too high for it to be achieved. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for dreaming big and reaching for the stars. But when you set up an identity which portrays yourself as this flawless, perfect human being, you give yourself a very hard time in fitting into that identity.

But like I said, it's not our fault.

The thing is, being identified as the perfect human being, in our minds, equals to having the perfect life in this world. We envision ourselves surrounded by adoring friends, straddled with bundles of cash, excelling in our careers, and having the time of our lives. Take me for example. I'd very much like to be referred to as an 'intellectual, beautiful, confident young woman' rather than 'blur girl' by my peers. If I wanted to, I can become what I aspired to be. I can read more books to become intellectual, I can take care of my appearance enough to feel beautiful, and I can speak out more often to increase my confidence. All this requires only one thing: Effort. And that is something which is sorely lacking in our generation. We want everything to be served to us on a silver platter. We expect the transition into our better selves will happen over time, with no effort whatsoever being put into becoming a better person. We think we are trying, when we are actually lying to ourselves.

If I could address the entire generation, I would say this:

Wake Up. Don't set yourself up as this loser that needs an upgrade. You are the upgrade. All you need is the effort to ignite the light within you. Let the others think what they want of you. Social status isn't everything. Be the best you can be, and that might just be enough to make YOU feel happy. And your happiness matters. You matter. Hang in there.

Well

Hey

Oh. My. Word.

Wow. 31st October 2013. That was my last post!? That was over a year ago! 

Great deduction, Sherlock. 

And my blog design...I am literally cringing. Looks like there's lots of work to be done. 

I'm gonna try and make a post at least once every week. This time, it's going to be about my rants. 

So, if you DO happen to read them...bear with me, okay? 

I can be a real tough cookie.