An Imagined Scenario

Me: *draws the curtain and enters her room*
She: *fiddling with her phone*
Me:  I have something to say.
She: *eyes divert from her handheld device* Yeah?
Me: *deep breath*
She: *scrunches her eyebrows, her lips remain frowned*
Me: *opens my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out*
She: *continues to stare at me*
Me:  Never mind. I forgot.
She: *offers a raucous laugh upon hearing my words*
Me: *grins*

I did not forget.

I wish I could.

Easily Influenced

I'm not ready for relationships.

How am I supposed to love another when I'm incapable of loving myself?

Let me make this straight.

I am grateful for being alive.
I am grateful for everything I have been blessed with.

No. I do not blame God. I blame myself.

No one else should be blamed.

You like me? Well I hope you like uncertainty and distance, because that's what I'm about.

I cannot say the same towards you, because I've been having doubts.

Not just about you, but myself.

Where do my loyalties lie?
What do I believe?
Do I have any boundaries?
Am I willing to trust you?
Will I be able to stomach the pain that could possibly come after?

No.

I feel too much.

Beware,

Stay away.

You wouldn't understand.

Would you?

Believe me, it's not your fault.
Any sane person would have assumed the same.

I do have feelings for you though. It's hard to explain.

I did not acknowledge it,

Because I did not want to hurt you by giving you hope about something which could not happen

Due to my cowardice.

I am a coward.

You may hate me for it.

I already do.

Basically...

I cannot believe this. Here I am, once again, procrastinating. Am I ever gonna learn from my mistakes? Evidently not.  

What the hell. Since I'm already here, might as well.  

This semester started off pretty chill. And by chill, I mean disastrous. Aside from the fact that I had a mental breakdown during the first two weeks of the semester, I'd tried something completely new. Which turned out to be something which I can now cross off my bucket list. It wasn't the idea itself that made it so memorable, it was more to what I gained after it was over.  

Meeting new people has never been one of my strong suits, let alone being good friends with them. But in this case, I found myself surrounded with new faces, friendly personalities, and weird people, to say the least. Somewhere along the lines, I realized that I could be myself around them, just as I am with my family and close friends. This was a rare find, especially in my university. Which is why I'm striving hard to keep in close contact with them. 

Unfortunately, it's not going so well. In my efforts to have a stronger bond with them, I have been neglecting everything else in life. My studies, my family, my religion. I did not want to forsake them, but that was what I was doing. Even now, I am struggling to complete a video assignment due by today. And it's a group project. My God, I'm the worst. Just the other day I did not contribute to a group assignment. I still feel bad about that, as I should. 

And to top it all off, I have this dilemma (Yeah, big shocker.) 

There's this guy, and I think he likes me. I know, I KNOW. Why would anyone fall for ME? I'm probably about as interesting as the moss that grows in damp places. I really don't get it. But perhaps it could be due to the fact that we have a lot in common. I do like him, but I feel that we have a platonic relationship. I don't know if I feel the same way he does. I don't want to hurt him by telling him we can't work out, at least not now. My feelings are ever-changing towards people. For now, I want to remain friends. It would not be fair to him, or me, if I were to lead him on and I end up hurting us both. I wonder what will happen...

Only one way to find out.